A Century Away

I often joke that I was born in the wrong century. It's almost as if I have nostalgia for a time period that I never even lived through. I long for the days when life was simple. I know that I romanticize it in my mind, and that life a half a century or more ago was full of challenges I can’t even imagine. But in my head, I see greener pastures. I see how beautiful life could be, working in a one-room schoolhouse, teaching children who have a passion for learning and who respect their teachers because it’s the right thing to do. I imagine a simple wedding, in a meadow of wildflowers filled with loved ones, there for the celebration. And most of all, I imagine myself being able to fulfill and satisfy my nurturing personality.

 

Why, yes. Something like this.

I’ve never been career-driven, and have sometimes felt guilty for that. I feel like I should have a larger goal and bigger expectations for myself than “wife and mother”. It’s like I’m doing the feminists of the world a disservice by knowing in my heart that those two roles will fulfill me far more than any high-paying job or corporate position. When people ask me what I want for my future, I might come up with something that “sounds good”, like becoming a professor or principal, or going back to school for biology. And you know, I think I probably could be happy in those roles. But to be honest, I envy the hell out of stay at home moms. I know they have one of the hardest jobs in the world, but it is what I want for myself more than anything. I want to be able to be with my children from birth to at least pre-school age, and I've ever entertained the idea of homeschooling. I feel like others would want me to strive for more than this, but it is what my heart wants for. And I try not to let myself feel too bad about that.

Thankfully, I have chosen to walk the paths of life with a partner who is 100% on board with this plan. Though we aren’t ready for marriage and babies quite yet, they are both in our not-so-distance future. And my girlfriend is one who is career-driven and wants nothing more than to have a good job and provide for her family. I have no doubt that she’ll be great at it, just as I have no doubt in her ability to be an amazing mother to our children.

And when I reminisce about the life that I will never have, with the one-room schoolhouse with a horse and buggy for my main means of transportation, I could practically kiss the ground I’m walking on for putting me in this century, this decade, this day. This glorious period of time where I may not be accepted by everyone for who I love, but where I can be open and honest about it. Where I can receive the support of my friends and family, instead of shoving my desires into a rarely-visited dark corner of my mind. I am so, so very thankful.